Featuring Caleb's Island's favorite Benevolent Dictator For Life, Captain Caleb Eldridge!

"Yesterday's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why!"

Sal Monella                  Shady Stu                Mistress Muir         Brother Amos                  Lil' Caleb                  Steve Bannon              Uncle Otto

And I'm the one who put the roofie in Hillary's coffee that morning....

Perhaps the old Cappy didn't start the fire, but he sure as FUCK loves throwing some fuel on it any time he gets a chance! Since my untimely death aboard the S.S. Arseplower in 1829, I've been meddling with history whenever possible, sort of like that snarky Mayhem guy in the Allstate Commercials. It's amazing how one little prank here and there can really screw you dumb bastards up for years, sometimes decades! From George Pickett's ill-fated charge, to Pearl Harbor, the Holocaust, JFK, Oklahoma City, 911, the Vegas massacre, and dozens of other unfortunate events, I've played a discreet, mischievious role in world history. I've had one hell of a time fucking with mortals for nearly two centuries, and I can assure you there's lots more to come!

Some would call it the calm before the storm...

And now back to our regularly scheduled hateful, offensive, divisive, and politically-incorrect content!

This website is proudly sponsored by...

"I solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign AND domestic."

Be sure to check out the link above. It's an article that delves into a rather interesting theory; that Trump was recruited by elements of American military intelligence to play the lead role in a covert coup d’etat in the 2016 election. It speculates that some of the senior chaps at the Pentagon may have finally had enough after watching Obama destroy the country with his socialist agenda for 8 long years, and were determined to keep Hillary from grabbing the baton and finishing the job. It's not a real stretch to imagine them using their vast technological resources to fix an election, all they would have needed was someone like Donald Trump to install as president. After the election, General Flynn credited the victory to an "army of digital soldiers" and "irregular warfare in American politics at it's finest". Yeah, sounds like great fiction, but just what if it's true? Read the article and chew on it a bit...it leans on the Q theory, something I'm not wholly convinced of, but the premise is viable. Personally, I'd have no problem with any of this, maybe it was a bit unethical, but the end result justified the means as far as I'm concerned...Donald Trump is President, and Hillary Clinton isn't. My only concern is whether or not they can pull it off again in 2020, or will the Dems cheat even harder than last time and take back the White House. Either way, it's not gonna be pretty...there are going to be a SHITLOAD of sore losers. The next civil war may begin on November 3rd, 2020, and it might not be a bad idea to start stocking up on Panzerfausts and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

...which helped to make THIS wonderful moment happen!

Fun Fact: More than 100 million Americans support Donald Trump and the MAGA agenda, and most of them are armed.

New stuff daily, sometimes!             

Updated March 19th, 2020

But wait, that's not all, folks....

We recently purchased a half-dozen Kum-Ho 7 short-range nukes at a North Korean "scratch and dent" sale...they're a little scuffed up, and the tail fins are a little loose on a couple, but otherwise they're good as new. We built a base at the north end of the island, and I'm proud to say that Caleb's Island is now a nuclear superpower. Range is rather limited with the Kum-Ho's, and they're notoriously inaccurate, but they're really all we need to get started...hey, with a 15 megaton warhead you don't need to be all that accurate. As you can see by the attached image, Cape Cod, Nantucket, and most importantly, Martha's Vineyard are within range, and if the wind is blowing in the right direction we might even be able to lob one into Boston. Caleb's Island Secretary Of Offense Steve Bannon and I are currently exploring our options, and I gotta tell ya, it's an exhilarating feeling being the despotic ruler of a tiny island nation with nuke capability. More on this story as it develops...


Welcome to the weird world of Captain Caleb Eldridge, the cantankerous ghost of a 19th century sea captain who plied the mighty Atlantic Ocean during the heyday of the Triangular Trade (guns, slaves, and rum were hot commodities back in the day). Following an untimely demise during a slave-revolt aboard the SS Arseplower, his ghostly ass discovered and colonized a small uncharted island off the coast of Cape Cod, Massachusetts. After modestly naming the tiny isle after himself, he assumed the title of Benevolent Dictator For Life and built this website...or at least that's the premise. In reality, the Captain is a tail-end Boomer who's recently retired and has way too much time on his hands. I created this site to espouse my politically-incorrect philosophy upon the world and voice my utter contempt of the socialist left and it's twisted agenda. A former alcoholic who nearly drank himself to death a number of years ago, I now rely on a carefully formulated combination of THC, caffeine, and nicotine to inspire my creative and fertile imagination...any and all references to Pabst Blue Ribbon beer are strictly satirical. My humor is egdy and may be offensive to some, but quite frankly I don't give a flying shit. Enjoy my site...or fuck off.

     Sal Monella              Shady Stu            Mistress Muir            Brother Amos             Li'l Caleb              & Uncle Otto

Along with his "Not Ready For Political-Correctness Players"...

Need to get shake the barnacles off the old mizzen mast, matie? Of course you do, and the old Cappy is here to help ya out! Intoducing DesperateToGetLaid.com, an online dating service that hooks you up with some of the hottest ladies on Caleb's Island. Each week I'll will feature a new Island Girl here on captaincaleb.com and hopefully entice you to pull out your credit card! Hey, it's better than jerking off,  just be sure to wear a rubber. And for the love of God, whatever you do, don't ever go down on any of these women!

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: My shrewd Jewish attorney, Shady Stu Goldberg, told me to throw this shit in to cover my ass from any civil liability, so here goes. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents mentioned on captaincaleb.com are strictly the products of the author's fevered imagination.  Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental; that's our story, and we're sticking with it. Viewing captaincaleb.com may result in right-wing political indoctrination, and a significant hatred of leftist socialist scum trying to inflict their twisted, morally-bankrupt agenda on normal, God-fearing, straight white Christians. Some viewers may experience intense cravings for Pabst Blue Ribbon beer while viewing this website, and in rare occurrences, an erection that lasts four hours or longer, ask your doctor if captaincaleb.com is right for you. All mention of Panzerfaust anti-tank weapons is strictly satirical, and we assure the ATF (and any other law enforcement agencies monitoring this site) that we currently have none in our possesion. You should not view this website if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or  easily offended by edgy politically-incorrect humor concerning women, blacks, Jews, homosexuals, wiggers, Mormons, tattoo artists, illegal aliens, Jussie Smollett, chicks with dicks, Holocaust survivors, Taylor Swift, midgets, Hillary or Chelsea Clinton, your mother, CNN, Eskimos, white trash, lawyers, the cast of The View, drunk carnies, or lecherous New Zealand sheep-herders. Furthermore, captaincaleb.com disavows any liability for malicious computer viruses (Ransomware, etc) that may infect your computer while viewing this site, nor is it liable for hate crimes (racially-motivated vandalism, mosque shootings, etc) allegedly  inspired by the contents herein. No animals were harmed in the production of this website.

"I may never go down in history,

but I WILL go down on your mother!"