Dearest Biggest CL Fan,
Some have described me as a well-versed, intellectually honest, articulate conspiracy-driven right wing supremacist nutcase, and while that may be true, it doesn't necessarily make me a bad guy. As you guessed, I am also a white Christian male and I used to own a lot of guns before Uncle Sam took them away from me for tax evasion a few years ago. I guess the logic is that they fear you might seek revenge one day, though we all saw back in '95 how you don't really need a gun if you have a Ryder rental truck, a shit-load of fertilizer and some diesel fuel. I guess I shouldn't even joke about shit like that, it's probably a good way to get a visit from a couple of guys in suits and dark sunglasses (not that it would be the first time). It's probably inevitable anyway, as my website has been getting inundated with hits (roughly a hundred every day) from an Amazon server in Columbus, Ohio for the past month. I though it was pretty odd that Amazon would take such an interest in my silly little site, but then I read this the other day...
Amazon is pleased to announce the new AWS Secret Region. The AWS Secret Region can operate workloads up to the Secret U.S. security classification level. The AWS Secret Region is readily available to the U.S. Intelligence Community (IC) through the IC’s Commercial Cloud Services (C2S) contract with AWS.
So it looks like Big Bro may be watching the old Cappy. The website hits seem to be "bots" or "crawlers" that scan websites for data...I don't pretend to understand how this shit works, but someone is definitely sniffing around. My only comfort is that Caleb's Island is a sovereign nation without a formal extradition treaty with the United States, and it's located 29 nautical miles off-shore, though that wouldn't present a huge challenge to a determined Seal team I suppose. As a precaution, I have placed the Calebian National Guard on full alert, and my personal bodyguard, Chuck Norris, sleeps at the foot of my bed every night. Eventually I may have no choice but to move to the Ecuadorian embassy in London with my friend Julian, but for the time being I'm holding my ground.
On a somewhat brighter note, the Captain has taken a bride and given Caleb's Island a First Lady! Last Sunday I married the lovely, conspiracy-minded, Roseanne Barr in a quiet ceremony at the Church Of The Vengeful Lord in Calebsburg. It may be a bit surprising to some that I married a Jew, but love is blind they say, and the fact that she's filthy rich didn't hurt either. I'd long been a fan of Roseanne, and when she posed as Hitler burning gingerbread cookies in a feature for the satirical Jewish publication Heeb magazine in 2009 ("That Oven Feeling", Google it), I fell in love. Later, when she Tweeted that "muslim brotherhood and planet of the apes had a baby" crack about Valerie Jarrett, I knew that we were meant for one another. It was a wonderful wedding, Alex Jones served as Best Man, and young Barron Trump was the ring-bearer, though the consummation of our marriage was a bit awkward with Chuck Norris in the room.
Oh, and about the diapers...
I was rather disappointed to learn that you had ordered those Fentanyl-stuffed diapers from Amazon, as we recently received 1200 cases of them from a shady connection in Beijing and are now offering them for sale at the Eldridge Brothers Trading Post. These are top-of-the-line counterfeit Pampers, and you'd never know them from the real thing were it not for all the gook gibberish on the packaging...it's the ideal way to smuggle Fentanyl through airport security. Really, how many TSA agents are going to want to deal with a shit-filled diaper? Just make certain your baby (or whoever's baby you're using) fills the diaper to capacity before you get to the airport, you might even leave it on the little tyke for a couple of days to insure that it's as ripe as possible when you get there. The only real concern is the Fentanyl being absorbed through the infants skin (some of these diapers leak a bit), so you want to make sure you bring some Narcan along (which we also happen to sell), just in case.
If it's not too late to cancel your order, you may want to consider a trip to Caleb's Island and purchase your drug-laden diapers here, I can probably beat Amazon's price, and you'd have an opportunity to see the island at the same time. Hey, that online stuff is all well and fine for most things, but there's nothing like good old brick and mortar when shopping for Fentanyl-stuffed diapers. Don't forget, the S.S. Arseplower sails twice daily between Caleb's Port and New York Harbor (as long as the wind cooperates), and should you desire to stay for a few days it's the perfect time of year. You can take advantage of our low off-season rates for motels, restaurants, and titty bars, and with the colder water this time of year we have considerably fewer fatal shark attacks. Mistress Muir's House Of Pain offers great discounts on golden showers and cat-o-nine flogging throughout the month of December if you're into that sort of thing, and there's no hidden cameras, so you needn't fear being exposed in a blasted dossier.
Should you decide to visit, be sure to check out our new conspiracy-theory theme park, Six False Flags Caleb's Island. Featuring exciting rides like the Holo-Coaster, the Tumbling Twin Towers Turbo, the Sandy Hook Tilt-A-Whirl, and the Las Vegas Mandalay Mega-Blaster...and we've made certain that they're safer than ever since that tragic mishap last month. The famous Parkland Players put on four shows a day; a hilarious reenactment of a school shooting and it's political aftermath, featuring that attention-whoring little rascal, David Hogg, a devious Jew County Sheriff, and disgraced former DNC chairwoman, Debbie Wasserman Schultz (also a Jew...begining to see a pattern?). If you're the risk-taking type, there are concession stands offering some of the best conspiracy-themed food in New England (try the Q Burgers or the Pizzagate Pie!), and we also offer all-you-can-drink Kaptain Kaleb Kool Aid, free of charge. It's a great time (as well as being educational) for conspiracy-minded kids and adults alike.
So think about it, even if you still take the order from Amazon you may still want to stock up on these dope-filled knock-off Pampers while they're still available. Remember that Christmas is right around the corner, and who wouldn't want to find a Fentanyl-stuffed diaper in their stocking? Cash sales only, and we deny any responsibilty for fatal overdoses, it's strictly a "let the buyer beware" sort of thing.
Yours in Christ,
Captain Caleb Eldridge
Dear Good Captain,
I am overjoyed to see you posting on this shithole of a board with increased frequency. Not only does it tell me that you survived attempts on your life intact and in a comparatively unscathed mental state, but also that you are having great success thwarting continuous attempts on your freedom of speech. A resounding victory for the First Amendment remedies and a humiliating defeat for the Second Amendment ones!
Frankly, given the inundation of this board by semi-literate pathologically compulsive 24/7 spam generated by imbecilic conservative trolls from Kazakhstan with a vocabulary of a retarded fifth grader, I was contemplating closing up shop here in favor of more intellectually simulating pursuits like this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8SvTZgVtg8 No more! Seeing the daily shitwaves of deliriously ridiculous bunk being seriously espoused to by rabid conspiracy-driven right wing supremacist nutcases steadily give way to facetious posts from a well-versed, intellectually honest, articulate conspiracy-driven right wing supremacist nutcase gives me much hope for restoring the highest standards of discourse to this board. Thanks, Captain!
You may be right about Ms. Lavin. Even though there is no man on Earth with a single functioning nerve ending who would accuse Ms. Lavin of making him think with his penis, any woman who can trick Alex Trebeck, a nice Catholic boy, into pronouncing out loud a suspiciously Semitic-sounding name of Turd Ferguson, while Jew-scamming a major network into prominently displaying unsolicited greeting to her Yiddishe Mama on national TV in prime time without shelling out a single penny for promotional consideration, is very dangerous indeed. Personally, given her record of serving her own interests, I don't believe that your fears of her giving away any of her ill-gotten gains to Media Matters are well founded, but the potential of Ms. Lavin Jew-turning Shady Stu to join her in outmaneuvering you with legal trickery to turn Caleb's Island into a Zionist stronghold is too much of a risk. And sadly, you no longer have Trayvon to look after your interests and keep Shady Stu in check. Still, it's a shame that you can't take advantage of Ms. Lavin's expertise in extremism research (potentially making you a much more accomplished extremist), not to mention her Harvard-certified fellatio skills.
I am saddened to learn of your unfortunate, rigorous searches of her cavities excepted, experience with Taylor Swift. As you already know, I am not exactly her fan either, and I do not intend to become one just because, my borderline pathological affinity to bee-stung lips and wealthy liberal elites notwithstanding, she turned out to NOT be a rabid inferiority complex ridden neo-nazi scum. In my eyes, this doesn't absolve her from her being responsible for singing some of the most atrocious tunes ever written. Of course, my aversion to Ms. Taylor's musical crimes doesn't stop me from repeatedly running her videos on my trusted JVC VHS player with sound turned off, occasionally hitting a slow motion button, just so I can watch her lips move. My point is, you don't need to risk her physical presence on your peaceful perpetually erect island in order to take advantage of her. Or, if you prefer, I am available for being covertly planted as a mole on Martha's Vineyard to act as a wealthy liberal elite playboy so I can take advantage of Ms. Swift on your behalf. Leave all the details to me, I will only need an open bank account to finance a lifestyle sufficiently suitable for me to blend in.
A word of warning about Albino Bob (not his real name). He is indeed a dangerous Mossad agent. I immediately recognized him from a documentary I recently viewed about steamy allegations of certain indiscretions, verified with centuries of paternity tests, by one Jesus Christ. If memory serves me right, I watched it right after Ancient Aliens on History Channel, but I wouldn't vouch for the accuracy of my recollection. Bob's (not his real name) specialty, according to exhaustive research that went into the documentary, is to brutally murder figures of authority, specifically but not exclusively Catholic priests and other white Christians, while posing as a homosexual Albino Opus Dei monk named Silas so he would blend in with other homosexual Albino Opus Dei monks (very clever!). Are you by any chance a white Christian (a wild guess on my part)? If you are, beware, your time may be running out. Given Bob's (not his real name) direct connection to Ms. Swift and her direct connection to you, I would guess your life is in more danger than it has ever been, recent attempts on your life included. For your sake, I urge you to do the only sensible thing that can spare your life at this late moment: convert to Judaism! I know a Rabbi who can perform the necessary ceremony at a discount, nearly pain-free and faster than you can scream Deutschland uber Alles! Let me know if you want me to hook you up with him.
Your biggest CL fan.