On Monday, December 16th, members of the Strategic Weapons And Tactics unit of the Caleb's Island Police Department executed a search warrant on the Happy Ending Asian Wellness Spa in downtown Calebsport, which resulted in the arrest of three individuals on pandering and prostitution charges. The raid was the culmination of a 7 year-long investigation that involved countless man-hours and numerous undercover operations, and reportedly cost some 2.4 million dollars in paid overtime for the investigating officers. C.I.P.D. Chief Chuck Norris told reporters that he had personally participated in 119 dangerous undercover assignments during the lengthy investigation, and that on each occasion, a female employee of the spa touched him inappropriately during what was advertised as a "Spitting Dragon Wellness Massage". Norris stated that the Hispanic-looking masseuses offered to love him for "long, long, time" in return for a specified sum of money, and then proceeded to perform oral sex on him after the cash was exchanged. A dozen undercover detectives and a C.I.P.D. radio dispatcher all confirmed hundreds of similar experiences that they themselves were repeatedly forced to endure over the course of the investigation. "We wanted to make certain we had enough evidence to make the charges stick in court." Norris explained of the costly investigation, "The public should know that the Caleb's Island Police Department worked very hard on this case."

Arrested during the late-afternoon raid were spa owner Darrel P. Eldridge of Calebsport, and two of his employees, Rosita Lopez and Juanita Santos, both from the Bronx, and presumed to be residing on the island illegally. Eldridge is the reputed nephew of Caleb's Island's Permanent Prime Minister, Captain Caleb Eldridge, and despite his family relationship to the benevolent dictator (and his repeated asking of "Do you know who I am?" in a haughty tone of voice to the arresting officers), he was charged with deriving income from prostitution and booked at C.I.P.D. headquarters. Eldridge garnered additional charges when an elbow-deep cavity search conducted by officers revealed over $30,000 in cash, a large quantity of narcotics, a loaded semi-automatic pistol, and a can of Arizona Iced Tea concealed in his lower intestine. Lopez and Santos, who worked under the aliases of "Yung Kum Ho" and "Mee Suk Dong", were charged with offering sexual services in exchange for money, and felonious impersonation of an Asian. Caleb's Island I.C.E. is also pursuing charges against the two American women under the Caleb's Island Illegal Immigrant Final Solution Act, which allows for public execution of the offender and/or deportation to the country from which he or she came from.

All three defendants are currently being held at the Caleb's Island Shanksburg Correctional Facility on $100,000 cash bail, and are due in court for arraignment on May 30th, 2022. The defendants will be jointly represented by renowned criminal defense attorney S. Stuart Goldberg, pending his current disbarment proceedings by the Calebian Bar Association.

Repeated attempts to reach Captain Caleb for comment were unsuccessful as of press time, though it is rumored that the Captain and his nefarious nephew have a strained relationship due to a drug deal that went bad a number of years ago.

Now available at the Eldridge Brothers

Trading Post, while supplies last!

 After retiring from politics, Michael Dukakis went on to pursue a career in law enforcement on Caleb's Island, and is currently the commander of the C.I.P.D. Tactical Assault Vehicle used in Monday's raid.