In a story right of today's headlines, my nephew Obed, a Caleb's Island cop, got himself into some hot water recently by shooting an unarmed Negro. Last month, a routine traffic stop turned into a violent one-sided shootout with a suspect...an uppity Negro who very well could have been a dangerous gang member. It began when the lawless darkie sped past my nephew's favorite speed-trap, the Caleb's Port Dunkin' Donuts parking lot; the 98 Buick was clocked doing 32 in a 30 mph zone and blasting that God-awful jungle music that often instills violence in certain demographic groups. Obed followed the standard "racial profiling" procedure he'd been taught at the Caleb's Island police academy and pulled the suspicious Negro over on Caleb's Avenue, and when he asked for license and registration he smelled the distinct odor of marijuana. While the recreational use of marijuana is legal here on Caleb's Island (actually encouraged), we have by-laws prohibiting it's use by Negroes listening to rap music (part of the "Pants Up, Don't Loot" amendment of 1995), and when my nephew spied a roach clip sitting next to a can of Fanta grape soda on the console he instinctively drew his weapon, a 9mm Glock containing 18 rounds of hollow-point ammo, and trained it on the suspect. Both his 3 months of police experience and his gut-instinct told him that he was dealing with a bad hombre.
The suspect (later identified as Lamont Washington) immediately started acting in an erratic manner, flinching nervously when he saw the high-powered handgun pointed at his head. My nephew considered this suspicious behavior as "probable cause" to search the vehicle and asked Washington to step out of the car. Obed then proceeded to pat the Negro down and handcuffed him to the bumper of his cruiser so he could search the Buick. The search revealed a baggie containing approximately 2 grams of marijuana, a Black Lives Matter roach clip, and several Kanye West CDs, furthering my nephew's suspicions that the suspect could be affiliated with a dangerous Negro street gang. Obed began questioning Washington about the contraband discovered in his vehicle, and the suspect became visibly agitated, demanding a lawyer in an impolite tone of voice. When my nephew laughed at Washington's ridiculous request, the surly Negro began pulling on his handcuffs, apparently trying to rip the bumper off the Crown Victoria and use it as a weapon. Obed attempted to subdue Washington by repeatedly applying his Maglite to the suspect's head, causing extensive damage to the department-issued flashlight. Washington continued pulling on the cruiser's bumper while screaming obscenities at my nephew...the tension mounted quickly, and my nephew had only moments to react.
Having no other option, Obed was forced to once again draw his Glock on Washington, who reacted by screaming for help, possibly from fellow gang members who may have been in the area. Fearing for his life, my nephew discharged his weapon 18 times, reloaded, and emptied a second magazine into the potential cop-killer. After exhausting all the ammunition he had for the pistol, my quick-thinking nephew retrieved a 12 gauge shotgun from the trunk of his cruiser and fired a single round of 00 buckshot into the suspects face at point-blank range in order to insure that he was no longer a threat. This brave young police officer had done his duty and held the "thin blue line", but some saw the shooting as an over-reaction. Even though Obed's dad is the chief of police, it didn't look good for the lad; what, with all this Black Lives Matter nonsense going on these days. Fortunately, my old friend Shady Stu Goldberg was able to bribe several of the white jury members and my nephew was acquitted. Not only was he cleared on the charges, but Obed was promoted to Sergeant and awarded a medal for marksmanship by his father (all 37 rounds hit their mark). Yes, the island Negroes were a bit upset by the verdict and rioted for a couple of days, but the Caleb's Island National Guard was dispatched and quickly quelled the unrest with copious amounts of rubber bullets and tear gas.
See ya in the funny papers,
Captain Caleb Eldridge