Dear Good Captain,
Being a a godless illegal alien drug crazed tree hugging trans Antifa welfare queen, I naturally worship Hillary (more details on the worship, as well as some surprising details on Comet Ping Pong's central role in the Cult of Hillary to be revealed momentarily). In my smug liberal elitist ignorance, I thought myself to be a supreme authority on Hillary, so you can imagine my shock when I read your post: you seem to be even more versed with all the Hillary trivia, and describe certain events related to her with the detail I previously thought only I possess. I had frequently observed elements of obsessive Hillary fetish among many other conservatives as well, but I thought it to be a temporary infatuation of an ignorant mob with a commanding female figure who, unlike themselves, possesses a formidable pair of cojones and poses an existential threat to the cartoonishly macho perception of their masculinity they struggle to maintain. I am now convinced that what I previously thought was a fleeting anomaly is, in fact, a bona fide popular movement to rival that of the 66 million Americans who voted for her. Mission accomplished! Now, even if there are no Hillary-worshiping liberals left in all of the US (be still, conservative's beating heart!), her everlasting legacy is assured. My bitter resentment of being bested at my own game by a right winger notwithstanding, my pink pussy hat is off to you, Captain!
It is probably the worst kept Deep State secret that every First Lady since Rosalyn Carter was provided with a Secret Service standard issue doppleganger. What is less known is that they are not human, but rather biochemically engineered fem-bots, still being produced, despite Trump's inexplicably ridiculous tariff stunt, in Dr. Evil's secret Chinese labor camp, now partially owned by Apple. The first model, that of Rosalyn, was little more than an experiment, and it exploded when it walked into the Three Mile Island nuclear reactor, causing the now infamous meltdown. The two subsequent models, those of Barbara Bush and Hillary, were much improved variants, but they still exhibited signs of aging, mimicking those of their human originals. Next, Laura's variant was a modest improvement on the previous two, and it remains to be seen how aging affects it. However, Melania's is a completely new model, and it promises to look as inviting fifty years from now as she did when she, in her illegal alien days, posed naked for a bunch of obscure soft core tabloids. So Eric may get his second chance with "Melania" after all, if only he remains patient. The bot is also rumored to speak perfect English, thanks to the newly installed Google Translator.
Back to the Hillary cult and Comet Ping Pong, as promised: Not to brag, but I just happen to be the #3 (after the other two losers on CL) apprentice to Hillary's high priest, Rabbi Mezvinsky, and as such I am privy to some insider information, hence my foolishly arrogant assertion of superior expertise on Hillary. Mezvinsky, BTW, is the Rabbi I recommended to you previously, to circumcise you as the means of escaping the murderous clutches of Albino Bob. His rather lame cover (but who am I to critique my higher ups) is that he is posing as Chelsea's husband. I should know better than share this with a conservative, but since you mortally wounded my pride with your own intimate knowledge of all things Hillary, I will spitefully spill the beans on things you can't possibly know about, and fuck the solemn oath I gave under penalty of eternal damnation to Rabbi Mezvinsky!
Under the still invisible Comet Ping Pong basement that houses the famed child porn operation, which has by now become a rather popular, especially with Alabama Republicans, DC tourist attraction, there is, hiding in plain sight, a secret bunker containing a temple to Hillary. Superbly disguised (if you can't find the basement, how will you ever find what's under it?) and housing a full scale likeness of Hillary made of weapons-grade Uranium, it is the place where Rabbi Mezvinsky ritually spills the blood of ASPCA puppies over the statue, chanting the ancient Hebrew chant "Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare" on high holidays. The place also doubles as a matzoh bakery, where the Rabbi, in strict accordance with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, mixes the blood of kidnapped Christian children into the Passover Matzos. Bet none of your 4chan white supremacist scum ever heard this one before, Mr know it all!
This is just a sample of my insider knowledge, but now I must interrupt my bitterly braggadocious stream of consciousness. I am getting filled with remorse, and I am afraid I will be demoted, again, to the #3 position (there is no #4 at the temple) as a consequence of my transgression. Hopefully, I will feel better after I watch the close-ups of Taylor Swift with the sound off and in slow motion.
BTW, pay no attention to Chuck Norris. In his present sorry state and age, he lives in fear of his nurse's aide, let alone Albino Bob.
Almost forgot: I am doing my best to pay a right-handed compliment to you, but no matter how hard I try, it always turns into a nazi salute. I will keep trying, though.
Yours in the secret bunker,
Your biggest CL fan.