Masturbation during your incarceration;

Everything you ever wanted to know,

but were too fucking scared to ask!

A man is deprived of a lot of his favorite things while incarcerated; booze, drugs, cigarettes...all are strictly verbotten in the Big House. One of the few joys that they can't take away from you however, is your God-given right to jerk off! Technically, it's a no-no...if a C.O. catches you they can throw you in the "hole" (solitary confinement), but then you get a private cell and can pull your pud all fucking day if you want. Still, the hole sucks, and in some cases getting caught can be disastrous...you may remember OJ Simpson almost being denied parole because some old dyke guard caught him rubbing one out in his cell.

Fortunately, the Juice was able to "beat" the charge, but he's not the only prison celebrity to get caught doing the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Even tough old gangsters like Whitey Bulger fall prey to temptation from time to time.

Yeah, even at the age of 85, he's still a hardened criminal. The moral of the story is to always turn the lights off before you jerk off in your cell; not only are you conserving electricity, you're also decreasing the likelyhood of doing 30 days in the hole.  And don't bother with the old "I was putting medication on it" excuse...they're wise to that trick. 

Then there was Justin Bieber...

OK...that one was a just a Photoshop image that was floating around on the Internet and has absolutely no basis in reality, but it fell in line with this article and I thought it was rather funny, so I tossed it in just for shits and grins. All kidding aside, jailhouse masturbation is a serious subject; most guys going in for the first time have no idea as to how to go about it, and it's not like you can just ask your cellmate or a correctional officer.  That's why I wrote this...the old Captain wants to share his hard-earned knowledge with viewers so they'll know the drill should they ever end up doing time...and sure, you may say that will never happen, but you never know what lays in your future. My personal exerience with this delicate subject is based on what I learned at a minimum-security Federal facility, but the basic principles will probably apply in county or state prisons. When you get right down to it, jerking off is jerking off...whether you're doing 30 days for beating the old lady or serving "life plus 125 years" for raping and strangling a Nun, you're still going to want to get your rocks off, and tugging your tool is way better than the only other alternative...

Yeah, there's always "man love", and some guys facing a long stretch resort to it I guess, but I was only visiting Club Fed for a few months so I figured I could hold out. Jerking off didn't even enter my mind the first couple of days, but once I got settled-in a bit I started to feel that familiar tingle in my mizzen-mast...I knew I was going to have to figure out the best way of pleasuring myself in this strange new environment. We lived in pretty cramped quarters; 8 guys, 8 lockers, 4 bunk beds, and one plastic chair all jammed into a concrete-block cubicle that measured about 12 by 20 feet...jerking off in your bed was not an option, even after lights-out. The ONLY place you had any privacy was the shower. Unlike the communal prison showers that you see in the movies, we had private stalls with shower curtains...it didn't take long to figure this was the best place to beat one's meat. It was perfect..you had privacy, you were already naked, and the WW2-vintage government-issue soap provided the necessary lubrication.

About the only thing missing from this shower-stroking was the lack of "inspiration".  All you had to look at were the cold stainless-steel walls and the tile floor, nothing that puts a lot of starch on your johnson. You have to rely on imagination, which thankfully I have a great deal of. I could close my eyes and fantasize that Taylor Swift had somehow snuck into the shower with me and that it was her pretty bee-stung lips wrapped around me dick instead of my own soapy hand. Porn is forbidden in prison, though like anything else you can find it on the prison black-market...there were always a few Huster magazines floating around, but they're not of much use in the shower. However, some enterprising boys in the print shop had come up with a great solution; plastic laminated porn photos clipped from magazines...fucking brilliant! You could take one of these to the shower, slap it on the wet steel wall, and you had something to look at while you got your rocks off.

The only problem with this water-proof porn was that whoever was producing it seemed to have a fetish for fat black women. Just about every laminated picture I ever saw was of an obese ebony goddess with an enormous ass... I never bought any because I prefer my women white and under 300 pounds. The black inmates seemed to love these "Bertha Butt" porn pics, and the guy making them in the print shop obviously knew this and wanted to appeal to the larger market...whoever he was, he wasn't stupid. The only "white porn" I ever saw belonged to a buddy of mine, he had a "book" of Hustler pics, each page individually laminated with a hole punched in the top left corner so they could  all be fastened together with a metal key-ring. He was heart-broken the day a C.O. discovered his make-shift magazine during a shake-down search and confiscated it, and he nearly went to the hole for having it in his possession. This was another reason I never bought prison porn, it just wasn't worth going to the fucking hole.

The bottom line is that you CAN beat your meat in the Big House, but keep it in the shower and use your imagination rather than buy the cheesey water-proof pictures. Jerking off is a great stress-reducer, and it's a lot more fun than playing cards or writing letters home...though a well-rounded inmate finds time for all of these activities in his daily routine. My personal recommendation is at least two showers a day, though some facilities will only allow one, so be certain to bust a nut with that single opportunity. In a minimum-security Club Fed, you can shower anytime you're not on a work-detail, and I was fortunate to having been assigned a unit-orderly job, meaning I could "take a shower" anytime during the day, even when I was "on the clock" for 18 cents an hour.  I was one of the cleanest motherfuckers in that fucking place. And remember, it's OK if you drop the soap, just so long as you're the only one in the shower.