I recently offered someone an exciting career at captaincaleb.com, the following is their response to my generous offer and my witty reply...
My Dearest Captain Caleb,
I must say, this is the most generous and potentially life-changing employment offer I ever received on CL! Even more generous than the recent offer from a Nigerian prince who wanted me to become his personal banker slash fluffer. Regretfully, after much thought and reflection, I have decided I am not worthy of your generosity. Nothing personal, I remain your biggest fan and admirer and, despite all appearances to the contrary, I never meant any disrespect, let alone scathing criticism: anyone who can make a swastika look funny is a winner in my book (and so far it's just you and Mel Brooks)! I just fear I will not be able to live up to your expectations, since I lack several key qualities to hold such esteemed position in the pantheon of journalistic excellence.
Being, as all liberals obviously are, a godless illegal alien drug crazed tree hugging trans Antifa welfare queen, I am independently wealthy, supplementing my hefty subsidies from Soros with American taxpayer dollars and a steady flow of voter fraud income, so any considerations of gainful employment, the enticing prospects of unlimited microwaved burritos notwithstanding, lack relevance. After all, I am here to take jobs away from patriotic Americans, not to actually hold a job.
Furthermore, having no vagina appears to disqualify me outright from any position that reports directly to you. There is only one way I can see that may circumvent this barrier: if you were to supply me with a vagina of my own, preferably still attached to Ivanka after her scheduled visit to the Saudi embassy in Istanbul (not to play gender identity games with you, but you can see, I am just as fascinated with Ivanka's vagina as I am with the shape of your erect island), it would fulfill a critical prerequisite for the position, and I may reconsider. Throw in the first pick of all the burritos I microwave, and it might just seal the deal! Either way, as far as I am aware, Caleb's Island is not signatory to any international copyright laws, so I see no reason why you shouldn't rob me blind of my intellectual property and reprint anything that appears on this my beloved shithole of a board in your esteemed mouthpiece of sovereign authority.
Speaking of gender identity games, I am still not clear why you would need a vagina to get fellated. Is this a subtle dig at Milo Yiannopoulos? BTW, were you ever fellated by a godless illegal alien drug crazed tree hugging trans Antifa welfare queen? The unfortunate experience scarred me for life, both literally and figuratively, not to mention a complete waste of my monthly food stamp allowance. So be careful what you are wishing for, Captain!
Yours in nothing,
Your biggest CL fan.
My Dearest Biggest Fan,
After reviewing your reply to my earlier post, I regret to inform you that the stipulations that you have requested as a condition of employment are not feasible at this time. First and foremost, the vagina of Ivanka Trump is not currently available. I've personally tried to obtain it a number of times, but the blasted Secret Service has thwarted my every attempt. I even tried bargaining with Jared, but you know how it is dealing with der Juden. Not that I have a problem with the Christ-killing bastards, but they ARE shrewd negotiators who will stab you in the back whenever they get the chance.
Though I pride myself as being an equal opportunity employer, the fact that you don't possess a vagina would severely limit your usefulness (and potential of promotion) at captaincaleb.com, and your insistence on having "first pick" of the 7-11 microwave burritos is totally out of the question, as you would undoubtedly choose the ones that are still within their expiration date. Overall, I don't see you as being a good fit for the position, and despite your clever and witty writing skills (and presumed housekeeping ability) I am regretfully forced to retract my offer of employment.
You DID bring up a valid point though, Caleb's Island is not signatory to any international copyright laws. I had my shrewd, conniving Yiddish attorney, Shady Stu, look into this, and he informs me that you would have absolutely no legal recourse against me or captaincaleb.com LLC should we decide to use your material without your written or verbal consent. It's the logical choice actually, as I can simply steal your content and avoid having to compensate you with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and tasty microwave burritos, and I'm certainly no stranger to plagiarism. Should you take issue with my theft of your intellectual property, please feel free to contact G. Stuart Goldberg at 1-800-SHADY-4U during regular business hours.
I do however appreciate your flattery, and even though I almost suspect a tone of not-so-subtle sarcasm in your comments I'll still view them as positive. Making Hitler and National Socialism look funny isn't easy in the current political climate, but if I can make a godless illegal alien drug crazed tree hugging trans Antifa welfare queen get a chuckle out of a politically-incorrect Holocaust meme I must be doing something right. Hey, we all laughed at the whacky antics of the bumbling Sergeant Schultz and Colonel Klink back in the day...everyone is so uptight these days.
In closing, I wish you the best of luck in your search for gainful employment. I might suggest that you reconsider the generous offer from the Nigerian prince, it doesn't sound like a bad gig...and you know what they say about those black guys. You might also look into the "Work On Your Own Set Schedule -- Paid Surveys -- $825 Weekly" employment that is currently being offered on the NY Craigslist political board.
Yours in Christ,
Captain Caleb Eldridge