HANOVER, N.H. — Joe Biden painted a vivid scene for the 400 people packed into a college meeting hall. He recounted when a ten-star general had asked the then-vice president to travel to San Juan Hill on Iwo Jima, shortly after the D-Day invasion, a dangerous foray into the “godforsaken country” of the Helmand province to help General Eisenhower and his Rough Riders win the war on terror and free the slaves from Osama Bin Ladin and his dreaded Waffen SS. "Remember the Maine!" was all he could think of, recalled Biden.
Some told him it was too risky, but Biden said he brushed off their concerns and told them they were a pack of pussies.
“We can lose a vice president,” he said. “We can’t lose many more of these kids. Not a joke.”
Biden told the audience of how he stormed a Nazi pillbox on Mount Suribachi, and despite being hit 37 times, was still able to raise a flag at the summit. The North Koreans tried to retake the position, but Biden fought them off, armed only with rusty butter knife and a Daisy BB gun. He then found his way to the Auschwitz concentration camp, and after taking out a battalion-sized unit of Viet Cong he rescued over 3000 emaciated Jewish prisoners from certain death and destroyed the camp's gas chambers with his bare hands.
As he was carrying a crippled black Jewish child to safety, he stepped on a landmine and his left leg was blown off, but he refused to give up. Summoning the last of his strength, he managed to make it through the Confederate lines to a Union field hospital where a tourniquet was applied...the doctors pleaded with him to stay, but Biden refused...he still had a war to win. He crossed the Maginot Line on crutches and made his way back to Little Round Top near the Cambodian border, surviving a mustard gas attack by the Huns and numerous Kamikaze attacks.
Braving the withering fire of the 12th SS Panzer Division and constant strafing attacks from the Red Baron, Biden made his way to the Chosin Reservoir in Normandy. He stepped on yet another landmine, losing his remaining leg...but he still kept going, dragging his battered, legless body heroically through the deadly terrain until he found cover in a shell crater. There laying in the crater was General George Patton, mortally wounded. Biden pulled out a Congressional Medal Of Honor and attempted to pin the medal on the dying General's chest.
“He said, ‘Sir, I don’t want the damn thing!’ ” Biden told the crowd, his jaw clenched and his voice rising to a shout. “ ‘Do not pin it on me, Sir! Please, Sir. Do not do that! He died. He died!’ ”
"That's God's truth, and my word as a Biden!" the former vice-president added as he wiped a tear from his eye.
Biden closed his appearance by telling the New Hampshire audience that Vermont was the most beautiful state in America, and that black kids were nearly as bright and talented as normal kids.
Biden's campaign manager was unavailable for comment.